20220812 THE IDEAL OF MARRIAGE AND THE REALITY OF DIVORCE
12 August, 2022, Friday, 19th Week in Ordinary Time
First reading |
Ezekiel 16:1-15,60,63 © |
I clothed you with my own splendour but you made yourself a prostitute
The word of the Lord was addressed to me as follows, ‘Son of man, confront Jerusalem with her filthy crimes. Say, “The Lord says this: By origin and birth you belong to the land of Canaan. Your father was an Amorite and your mother a Hittite. At birth, the very day you were born, there was no one to cut your navel-string, or wash you in cleansing water, or rub you with salt, or wrap you in napkins. No one leaned kindly over you to do anything like that for you. You were exposed in the open fields; you were as unloved as that on the day you were born.
‘“I saw you struggling in your blood as I was passing, and I said to you as you lay in your blood: Live, and grow like the grass of the fields. You developed, you grew, you reached marriageable age. Your breasts and your hair both grew, but you were quite naked. Then I saw you as I was passing. Your time had come, the time for love. I spread part of my cloak over you and covered your nakedness; I bound myself by oath, I made a covenant with you – it is the Lord who speaks – and you became mine. I bathed you in water, I washed the blood off you, I anointed you with oil. I gave you embroidered dresses, fine leather shoes, a linen headband and a cloak of silk. I loaded you with jewels, gave you bracelets for your wrists and a necklace for your throat. I gave you nose-ring and earrings; I put a beautiful diadem on your head. You were loaded with gold and silver, and dressed in fine linen and embroidered silks. Your food was the finest flour, honey and oil. You grew more and more beautiful; and you rose to be queen. The fame of your beauty spread through the nations, since it was perfect, because I had clothed you with my own splendour – it is the Lord who speaks.
‘“You have become infatuated with your own beauty; you have used your fame to make yourself a prostitute; you have offered your services to all comers. But I will remember the covenant that I made with you when you were a girl, and I will conclude a covenant with you that shall last for ever. And so remember and be covered with shame, and in your confusion be reduced to silence, when I have pardoned you for all that you have done – it is the Lord who speaks.”’
Responsorial Psalm | Isaiah 12 © |
The rejoicing of a redeemed people
Your anger has passed, O Lord, and you give me comfort.
Truly, God is my salvation,
I trust, I shall not fear.
For the Lord is my strength, my song,
he became my saviour.
With joy you will draw water
from the wells of salvation.
Your anger has passed, O Lord, and you give me comfort.
Give thanks to the Lord, give praise to his name!
Make his mighty deeds known to the peoples!
Declare the greatness of his name.
Your anger has passed, O Lord, and you give me comfort.
Sing a psalm to the Lord
for he has done glorious deeds;
make them known to all the earth!
People of Zion, sing and shout for joy,
for great in your midst is the Holy One of Israel.
Your anger has passed, O Lord, and you give me comfort.
Gospel Acclamation | Ps110:7,8 |
Alleluia, alleluia!
Your precepts, O Lord, are all of them sure;
they stand firm for ever and ever.
Alleluia!
Or: | cf.1Th2:13 |
Alleluia, alleluia!
Accept God’s message for what it really is:
God’s message, and not some human thinking.
Alleluia!
Gospel | Matthew 19:3-12 © |
Husband and wife are no longer two, but one body
Some Pharisees approached Jesus, and to test him they said, ‘Is it against the Law for a man to divorce his wife on any pretext whatever?’ He answered, ‘Have you not read that the creator from the beginning made them male and female and that he said: This is why a man must leave father and mother, and cling to his wife, and the two become one body? They are no longer two, therefore, but one body. So then, what God has united, man must not divide.’
They said to him, ‘Then why did Moses command that a writ of dismissal should be given in cases of divorce?’ ‘It was because you were so unteachable’ he said ‘that Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but it was not like this from the beginning. Now I say this to you: the man who divorces his wife – I am not speaking of fornication – and marries another, is guilty of adultery.’
The disciples said to him, ‘If that is how things are between husband and wife, it is not advisable to marry.’ But he replied, ‘It is not everyone who can accept what I have said, but only those to whom it is granted. There are eunuchs born that way from their mother’s womb, there are eunuchs made so by men and there are eunuchs who have made themselves that way for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.’
THE IDEAL OF MARRIAGE AND THE REALITY OF DIVORCE
SCRIPTURE READINGS: [Ez 16:1-15,60,63 OR Ez 16:59-63; Is 12; Mt 19:3-12]
The controversy on marriage and divorce is time immemorial. In the gospel, Jesus was asked to give His take on this issue. This was such a heated and sensitive issue that the Pharisees purposely sought to test the Lord by asking, “Is it against the Law for a man to divorce his wife on any pretext whatever?” Jesus knew their motive was to discredit Him and cause Him to be misunderstood because earlier on His cousin, John the Baptist, lost his head for speaking out strongly on the matter of marriage and infidelity. This is equally true in our days, especially when Pope Francis called for a synod to discuss on family and marriage. The debate on family and marriage remains complex and controversial both theologically and pastorally. Even after the synod, the debate and tensions continue between different groups lobbying for their respective positions.
What were the two positions held by scholars in those days? Firstly, there were those who supported divorce on any ground. According to the Law of Moses, the process of divorce was a simple repudiation of the husband if the wife found no favour in his eyes. (cf Dt 24:1) The bill of divorce was a simple statement dismissing his wife. Of course, this led to many abuses and violation of the rights of women. But this is not surprising because women in Jewish laws were treated like a thing.
But there was another position, where Jewish scholars argued that there must be a good reason for divorce. Of course, they could not agree on the reasons that could constitute grounds for a divorce. St Matthew’s community sought to soften the law by speaking of divorce in the case of fornication. Jesus reiterated this Mosaic Law when He pronounced, “Now I say this to you: the man who divorces his wife – I am not speaking of fornication – and marries another, is guilty of adultery.” Exactly what it meant was also disputed by the Jews. One other school of thought interpreted this as a matter of indecency in the widest sense of the term. Unfortunately, this school of thought was widely held, and divorce took place on any trivial ground.
However, Jesus refused to be caught in this controversy by going beyond the law to the ideal of marriage. Rather than be bogged down by the laws which were restrictive, it is more important to understand the dream of God for us. Jesus wisely answered them, “Have you not read that the creator from the beginning made them male and female and that he said: This is why a man must leave father and mother, and cling to his wife, and the two become one body. So then, what God has united, man must not divide.” In other words, we must understand the intent of the law, which is a preservation of the unity of marriage. It is God’s plan that a man and a woman be united in matrimony and become one in mind and heart. The unity of marriage is not simply a physical union but also a union of the heart. To ensure that this union is effective, both must leave their own parents so that they can be given the opportunity and freedom to grow in love and understanding.
There is stability in a relationship only because marriage is a permanent commitment. If we marry with the possibility of divorce, few would persevere in marriage. The truth is every marriage will have its struggles and its challenges. There is no such thing as a smooth relationship where couples would always agree on everything or that they would not make mistakes. So the indissolubility and permanence of marriage is for the good of the couple and also the children. This ruling is not meant to hinder or take away happiness from a marriage but rather to protect that union between husband and wife. From this perspective, anyone would appreciate the command of God on the unity of marriage.
This is why the Church rejects the gradualness of the law on marriage. Before we speak about the difficulties of marriage, it is important that we agree on what the intention of a marriage is. Only when we accept that this (intention) is what everyone hopes for in a marriage, that the indissolubility of a marriage between a man and a woman is foundational to the stability of the marriage and thereby that of the family, can we then move forward in our discourse. Whether couples can truly live up to the ideals of family life, is another question. This is what Jesus wants to remind us first and foremost what creation intends for us all. “I say this to you: the man who divorces his wife – I am not speaking of fornication – and marries another, is guilty of adultery.'”
Of course, this is not denying the realities of married life and its challenges. We are all aware of the failure of many marriages. Many couples cannot agree on values, the running of the family and the management of the household. They also cannot agree on how best to raise the children and how to manage relationships with the in-laws. When quarrels break out constantly and sometimes even physical violence takes place, not all have the fortitude to endure the sufferings. We are also cognizant of how difficult it is to maintain unity and mutual understanding in family life. Whilst we all want to be loving and caring for each other, the truth remains that we are sinners. We are selfish and self-centred. We love ourselves more than we love others. Indeed, many of us get married so that we are loved, rather than so that we can love the other. Love of self takes precedence over love of others. Hence, when the people said to him, “Then why did Moses command that a writ of dismissal should be given in cases of divorce?”, Jesus replied, “It was because you were so unteachable that Moses allowed you to divorce wives, but it was not like this from the beginning.”
Clearly in the mind of Jesus, divorce was never in the plan of God. This was reiterated in the first reading when the people of Israel were not faithful to the Lord. Yet at the same time, Jesus seemed to recognize that the unity of marriage is not easy to be maintained because of our sinfulness. The Lord understands the weakness and limitations of man. Man fails in love and fidelity again and again.
The question therefore is this, “Did Jesus intend this saying of His to be a law or an ideal to be achieved?” In other words, are we speaking about the law of gradualness? Whilst the Church does not endorse the gradualness of the law, as if the Church lives between untruth and truth, the Church recognizes that the acceptance and the practice of the truth might take time. That St Matthew included the word, “fornication” as an exemption clause indicates that the community was struggling with the commandment of no divorce from our Lord. This word, “fornication” could mean anything that is considered indecent. It can be understood as infidelity or even anything that displeases the husband. The point remains that the Christian community of St Matthew tolerated some cases and only some kind of separation between the couple for the sake of the faith or the family when they could not be reconciled. Scholars are not in agreement however, on exactly what the exceptions are as ground for divorce.
Consequently, whilst we reiterate the position of the Church on the indissolubility of marriage as the ideal and how all married couples must strive to arrive at this original intention of marriage so that they can be truly happy in married life, yet, we must be realistic and be compassionate with those who cannot reach this ideal and truth of marriage. We need to encourage them and not destroy them even more by alienating them from the community. Those who have failed or have difficult marriages should be given more support from the Church. We should not be judgmental but be sympathetic to their predicament. A marriage without love and mutual giving is no better than a divorced couple. In truth, although many married couples are not divorced, yet in fact, they live like separated couples, each having his or her own private life. Though they physically stay together in the same house or even go out as a family, it is just for show and not a real union of love and heart. Many are simply living a lie!
Indeed, the Lord is also warning those of us who are single because of the fear of married life. Upon hearing the challenges of married life, the disciples said to Him, “If that is how things are between husband and wife, it is not advisable to marry.’ But he replied, ‘It is not everyone who can accept what I have said, but only those to whom it is granted. There are eunuchs born that way from their mother’s womb, there are eunuchs made so by men and there are eunuchs who have made themselves that way for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.” Being single for oneself is no better than those who are divorced and live selfishly for themselves, or those who are married but without love between the couple. To be single is also an invitation to love and to give oneself to others in different ways. Being single does not make us truly happy and fulfilled unless it is a vocation for service. Singlehood cannot be escapism from marriage but a call to love others. Whether singlehood or marriage is better is not a question, because both are not comparable. At the end of the day, whether we are single or married, we are all called to spend our life loving God and loving our fellowmen.
Written by The Most Rev William Goh, Roman Catholic Archbishop of Singapore © All Rights Reserved.
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