20160812 THE IDEAL OF MARRIAGE AND THE REALITY OF DIVORCE
Readings at Mass
Liturgical
Colour: Green.
EITHER:
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First reading
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Ezekiel
16:1-15,60,63 ©
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The word of the Lord
was addressed to me as follows, ‘Son of man, confront Jerusalem with her filthy
crimes. Say, “The Lord says this: By origin and birth you belong to the land of
Canaan. Your father was an Amorite and your mother a Hittite. At birth, the
very day you were born, there was no one to cut your navel-string, or wash you
in cleansing water, or rub you with salt, or wrap you in napkins. No one leaned
kindly over you to do anything like that for you. You were exposed in the open
fields; you were as unloved as that on the day you were born.
‘“I saw
you struggling in your blood as I was passing, and I said to you as you lay in
your blood: Live, and grow like the grass of the fields. You developed, you
grew, you reached marriageable age. Your breasts and your hair both grew, but
you were quite naked. Then I saw you as I was passing. Your time had come, the
time for love. I spread part of my cloak over you and covered your nakedness; I
bound myself by oath, I made a covenant with you – it is the Lord who
speaks – and you became mine. I bathed you in water, I washed the blood
off you, I anointed you with oil. I gave you embroidered dresses, fine leather
shoes, a linen headband and a cloak of silk. I loaded you with jewels, gave you
bracelets for your wrists and a necklace for your throat. I gave you nose-ring
and earrings; I put a beautiful diadem on your head. You were loaded with gold
and silver, and dressed in fine linen and embroidered silks. Your food was the
finest flour, honey and oil. You grew more and more beautiful; and you rose to
be queen. The fame of your beauty spread through the nations, since it was
perfect, because I had clothed you with my own splendour – it is the Lord
who speaks.
‘“You
have become infatuated with your own beauty; you have used your fame to make
yourself a prostitute; you have offered your services to all comers. But I will
remember the covenant that I made with you when you were a girl, and I will
conclude a covenant with you that shall last for ever. And so remember and be
covered with shame, and in your confusion be reduced to silence, when I have
pardoned you for all that you have done – it is the Lord who speaks.”’
OR:
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Alternative
First reading
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Ezekiel 16:59-63
©
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The Lord says this:
‘Jerusalem, I will treat you as you deserve, you who have despised your oath
even to the extent of breaking a covenant, but I will remember the covenant
that I made with you when you were a girl, and I will conclude a covenant with
you that shall last for ever. And you for your part will remember your past
behaviour and be covered with shame when I take your elder and younger sisters
and make them your daughters, although that was not included in this covenant.
I am going to renew my covenant with you; and you will learn that I am the
Lord, and so so remember and be covered with shame, and in your confusion be
reduced to silence, when I have pardoned you for all that you have done –
it is the Lord who speaks.’
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Responsorial
Psalm
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Isaiah 12 ©
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The rejoicing of
a redeemed people
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Your anger has
passed, O Lord, and you give me comfort.
Truly, God is my
salvation,
I trust,
I shall not fear.
For the Lord is my
strength, my song,
he became
my saviour.
With joy you will
draw water
from the
wells of salvation.
Your anger has
passed, O Lord, and you give me comfort.
Give thanks to the
Lord, give praise to his name!
Make his
mighty deeds known to the peoples!
Declare
the greatness of his name.
Your anger has
passed, O Lord, and you give me comfort.
Sing a psalm to the
Lord
for he
has done glorious deeds;
make them
known to all the earth!
People of Zion, sing
and shout for joy,
for great
in your midst is the Holy One of Israel.
Your anger has
passed, O Lord, and you give me comfort.
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Gospel
Acclamation
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Ps110:7,8
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Alleluia, alleluia!
Your precepts, O
Lord, are all of them sure;
they stand firm for
ever and ever.
Alleluia!
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Or
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cf.1Th2:13
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Alleluia, alleluia!
Accept God’s message
for what it really is:
God’s message, and
not some human thinking.
Alleluia!
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Gospel
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Matthew 19:3-12 ©
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Some Pharisees
approached Jesus, and to test him they said, ‘Is it against the Law for a man
to divorce his wife on any pretext whatever?’ He answered, ‘Have you not read
that the creator from the beginning made them male and female and that he said:
This is why a man must leave father and mother, and cling to his wife, and the
two become one body? They are no longer two, therefore, but one body. So then,
what God has united, man must not divide.’
They said
to him, ‘Then why did Moses command that a writ of dismissal should be given in
cases of divorce?’ ‘It was because you were so unteachable’ he said ‘that Moses
allowed you to divorce your wives, but it was not like this from the beginning.
Now I say this to you: the man who divorces his wife – I am not speaking
of fornication – and marries another, is guilty of adultery.’
The
disciples said to him, ‘If that is how things are between husband and wife, it
is not advisable to marry.’ But he replied, ‘It is not everyone who can accept
what I have said, but only those to whom it is granted. There are eunuchs born
that way from their mother’s womb, there are eunuchs made so by men and there
are eunuchs who have made themselves that way for the sake of the kingdom of
heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.’
THE
IDEAL OF MARRIAGE AND THE REALITY OF DIVORCE
The controversy on marriage
and divorce is time immemorial. In the gospel, Jesus was asked to give His take
on this issue. This was such a heated and sensitive issue that the
Pharisees purposely sought to test the Lord by asking, “Is it against the Law
for a man to divorce his wife on any pretext whatever?” Jesus knew their
motive was to discredit Him and cause Him to be misunderstood because earlier
on His cousin, John the Baptist, lost his head for speaking out strongly on the
matter of marriage and infidelity. This is equally true in our days,
especially when Pope Francis called for a synod to discuss on family and
marriage. The debate on family and marriage remains complex and
controversial both theologically and pastorally. Even after the synod,
the debate and tensions continue between different groups lobbying for their
respective positions.
What were the two positions
held by scholars in those days? Firstly, there were those who supported divorce
on any ground. According to the Law of Moses, the process of divorce was
a simple repudiation of the husband if the wife found no favour in his
eyes. (cf Dt 24:1
) The bill of divorce was a simple statement dismissing
his wife. Of course, this led to many abuses and violation of the rights
of women. But this is not surprising because women in Jewish laws were
treated like a thing.
) The bill of divorce was a simple statement dismissing
his wife. Of course, this led to many abuses and violation of the rights
of women. But this is not surprising because women in Jewish laws were
treated like a thing.
But there was another
position, where Jewish scholars argued that there must be a good reason for
divorce. Of course, they could not agree on the reasons that could
constitute grounds for a divorce. St Matthew’s community sought to soften
the law by speaking of divorce in the case of fornication. Jesus
reiterated this Mosaic Law when He pronounced, “Now I say this to you: the man
who divorces his wife – I am not speaking of fornication – and marries another,
is guilty of adultery.” Exactly what it meant was also disputed by the
Jews. One other school of thought interpreted this as a matter of
indecency in the widest sense of the term. Unfortunately, this school of
thought was widely held and divorce took place on any trivial ground.
However, Jesus refused to
be caught in this controversy by going beyond the law to the ideal of marriage.
Rather than be bogged down by the laws which were restrictive, it is more
important to understand the dream of God for us. Jesus wisely answered
them, “Have you not read that the creator from the beginning made them male and
female and that he said: This is why a man must leave father and mother, and
cling to his wife, and the two become one body. So then, what God has
united, man must not divide.” In other words, we must understand the
intent of the law which is a preservation of the unity of marriage. It is
God’s plan that a man and a woman be united in matrimony and become one in mind
and heart. The unity of marriage is not simply a physical union but also
a union of the heart. To ensure that this union is effective, both must
leave their own parents so that they can be given the opportunity and freedom
to grow in love and understanding.
There is stability in a
relationship only because marriage is a permanent commitment. If we marry
with the possibility of divorce, few would persevere in marriage. The
truth is every marriage will have its struggles and its challenges. There
is no such thing as a smooth relationship where couples would always agree on
everything or that they would not make mistakes. So the indissolubility
and permanence of marriage is for the good of the couple and also the children.
This ruling is not meant to hinder or take away happiness from a marriage but
rather to protect that union between husband and wife. From this
perspective, anyone would appreciate the command of God on the unity of
marriage.
This is why the Church
rejects the gradualness of the law on marriage. Before we speak about the
difficulties of marriage, it is important that we agree on what the intention
of a marriage is. Only when we accept that this (intention) is what
everyone hopes for in a marriage, that the indissolubility of a marriage
between a man and a woman is foundational to the stability of the marriage and
thereby that of the family, can we then move forward in our discourse.
Whether couples can truly live up to the ideals of family life, is another
question. This is what Jesus wants to remind us first and foremost; what
creation intends for us all. “I say this to you: the man who divorces his
wife – I am not speaking of fornication – and marries another, is guilty of
adultery.’”
Of course, this is not
denying the realities of married life and its challenges. We are
all aware of the failure of many marriages. Many couples cannot
agree on values, the running of the family and the management of the household.
They also cannot agree on how best to raise the children and how to manage
relationships with the in-laws. When quarrels break out constantly and
sometimes even physical violence takes place, not all have the fortitude to
endure the sufferings. We are also cognizant of how difficult it is to
maintain unity and mutual understanding in family life. Whilst we all
want to be loving and caring for each other, the truth remains that we are
sinners. We are selfish and self-centered. We love ourselves more
than we love others. Indeed, many of us get married so that we are loved,
rather than so that we can love the other. Love of self takes precedence
over love of others. Hence, when the people said to him, “Then why did
Moses command that a writ of dismissal should be given in cases of divorce?”,
Jesus replied, “It was because you were so unteachable that Moses allowed you
to divorce wives, but it was not like this from the beginning.”
Clearly in the mind of
Jesus, divorce was never in the plan of God. This was reiterated in the
first reading when the people of Israel were not faithful to the Lord.
Yet at the same time, Jesus seemed to recognize that the unity of marriage is
not easy to be maintained because of our sinfulness. The Lord understands
the weakness and limitations of man. Man fails in love and fidelity again
and again.
The question therefore is
this, “Did Jesus intend this saying of His to be a law or an ideal to be
achieved?” In other words, are we speaking about the law of
gradualness? Whilst the Church does not endorse the gradualness of the
law, as if the Church lives between untruth and truth, the Church recognizes
that the acceptance and the practice of the truth might take time. That St
Matthew included the word, “fornication” as an exemption clause indicates that
the community was struggling with the commandment of no divorce from our
Lord. This word, “fornication” could mean anything that is considered
indecent. It can be understood as infidelity or even anything that
displeases the husband. The point remains that the Christian community of
St Matthew tolerated some cases and only some kind of separation between the
couple for the sake of the faith or the family when they could not be
reconciled. Scholars are not in agreement however, on exactly what the
exceptions are as ground for divorce.
Consequently, whilst we
reiterate the position of the Church on the indissolubility of marriage as the
ideal and how all married couples must strive to arrive at this original
intention of marriage so that they can be truly happy in married life, yet, we
must be realistic and be compassionate with those who cannot reach this ideal
and truth of marriage. We need to exercise compassion for them, to
encourage them and not to destroy them even more by alienating them from the
community. Those who have failed or have difficult marriages should be
given more support from the Church. We should not be judgmental but be
sympathetic to their predicament. A marriage without love and mutual
giving is no better than a divorced couple. In truth, although many
married couples are not divorced, yet in fact, they live like separated
couples, each having his or her own private life. Though they physically
stay together in the same house or even go out as a family, it is just for show
and not a real union of love and heart. Many are simply living a lie!
Indeed, the Lord is also
warning those of us who are single because of the fear of married life.
Upon hearing the challenges of married life, the disciples said to him, “If
that is how things are between husband and wife, it is not advisable to
marry.’ But he replied, ‘It is not everyone who can accept what I have
said, but only those to whom it is granted. There are eunuchs born that
way from their mother’s womb, there are eunuchs made so by men and there are
eunuchs who have made themselves that way for the sake of the kingdom of
heaven.” Being single for oneself is no better than those who are
divorced and live selfishly for themselves, or those who are married but
without love between the couple. To be single is also an invitation to
love and to give oneself to others in different ways. Being single
does not make us truly happy and fulfilled unless it is a vocation for
service. Singlehood cannot be escapism from marriage but a call to love
others. Whether Singlehood or marriage is better is not a question,
because both are not comparable. At the end of the day, whether we are
single or married, we are all called to spend our life loving God and loving
our fellowmen.
Written by The Most Rev William Goh Roman Catholic Archbishop of
Singapore © All Rights Reserved
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